Extremely personal rant, be warned:
I have kept this inside for a long time and as time goes on the disrespect from people continues, so I feel inclined to make this post.
So as a lot of you know or have picked up on through my social media accounts, I have a serious drinking problem. It started in High school, and A year or two ago I would not have admitted that. The past year it got pretty bad to the point where I was drinking bottles of liquor a day. It was the first thing I did when I woke up and the last thing I did before bed. When I was stressed I would pull out my "water bottle" and feel relieved. I had it on me always and it was my go to. This was caused by several series of events and also because I was sad and also because genetically alcoholism runs in my family. But I justified my behavior because I held a full time job, I had an apartment, I was paying for my bills on my own, and I was "functioning." About 4 months ago, I started to un function. I started to miss work because I was "sick" and miss events and gatherings because I was "sick" Sick as in drunk, sad, depressed, etc. About 2 months ago it caught up to me and one night I was really far gone (drunk) and I ended up calling my work which I was supposed to be at, and asking them if they wanted to come get drunk with me. Long story short, my amazing job that I love was put in jeopardy thanks to my decisions. During this time, the sadness got worse and I ended up relapsing on my drug of choice (meth) as well.
Now having alcohol and drugs running through me, realizing I spent $2000 in one weekend on drugs and alcohol, loss of a job, loss of close "friends", and the feeling of emptiness, I did not want to go on. Again, I attempted to leave this world again like high school and it did not work. I tried several more times and it continually resulted in me sitting in a chair in therapy, hospital visits, (I asked multiple docs to kill me) in the doctors office having different pills prescribed to me, that I would just abuse or sell, and having different people lecture me about how I need to get my act together, I agreed and did partially what these people told me to do.
A few weeks later I tried to leave again and it didn't work. I tried over and over . This time I had lots of different substances inside me and I had a vision of 2 different lives I could live. 1 was me doing everything I told myself I would never do, and the other was me doing everything I ever wanted to do. It was vivid and intense. Scary. After coming down from this, I called up my mother and told her I needed help.
I then agreed to go into an impatient care facility, that would help with all of these inner issues I was having along with the way I was coping. Turns out my insurance would not cover the places I could go, and so my mother and I returned home. I still had the drive to change in me. I told myself, "You can do this. You can change." And I kept the vision I had, close in my mind. When I returned home I told myself I would stop using substances to feel better.
My mother is an incredible woman who has several qualities I admire. So does a lot of people I know who have tried to help me. Having said that, coming from an addicts perspective, change has to be something the person wants. If they don't want it they won't change. I wanted to change, but I had to do it in a way that was best for me and in a way that I could function and continue the desire to change. When I returned home the people who thought they were helping me, told me lovely things such as "We care about you and are here for you always." I believed these people. They then started putting thoughts into my head like, "So and so doesn't care about you." Or "The only people who care are such and such." Or "The only way you will change is if you stop talking to so and so." Or "if you went to church this wouldn't be as hard." Yata yata yata.
These along with other discomforting thoughts were being drilled into my head. I was staying with a family member and when I requested to go home to my place, my mother and this family member then told me that if I wanted their help or support that I would need to stay with them and cut off all ties with 1. Some of my closest friends. And 2. The love of my life Takoda Kalo. 3. Attend their church. 4. Do and go where they say and allow. 5. Pray to their God. Etc...in other words I needed to change in their terms, their way. I disagreed and offered compromise. I told them I needed their support and I needed their encouragement but that I needed to be surrounded by people who encourage me to want to be better and I needed to do this in a way I felt comfortable. They disagreed and told me it was them or nothing. I chose my friends and my love and to go about it n my own. After this, I left and returned to my place. Shortly after I got calls and texts from family, that was involved in the previous discussion and other members, saying that I am not welcome in their homes or lives. I had people telling me that I am no longer a part of them. I had people telling me I was a disappointment and that I failed the most. That I was no longer theirs and that I am to not ever ask for help again from them. I felt abandoned. By some of my closest friends, and now "family".
This hurt but when I returned to my place I laid on the floor of my bedroom and sobbed and cried and prayed to whatever is up there, I screamed and cried some more. After hours of that on my floor, I stood up and looked myself in the mirror. I saw the incredible, strong, beautiful, caring, outgoing, friendly, loving person that I am, and I saw how worthy I am. I remember my vision, and I looked down at my wrist tattoo and saw "Still I Rise."
I had been thru worse and I am still here. I made a promise to myself that I would fix myself and love myself and that I would allow myself mistakes but I'd never stop trying.
From that moment till now, I have slipped up a few times. I got into my stash and messed up. But my amazing boyfriend did what he had to do and took if from me. Trashed my stash. And held me and comforted me even when I was kicking and screaming at him. He held me till I slept and held me thru multiple nights like these.
Every second is hard, and when things get tough, I want to drink or die. But I am stronger than that and I know what I'm capable of.
Having said all of this and letting this out into the public, to this day I am getting messages, mail, and more messages from my family, and from old friends who have not been in my life for years, and even strangers telling me that I need to go to church to change, or that I need to pray more, or that I need Jesus, or God, or the worst one, that I need to leave my incredible boyfriend.
The audacity of these people flabbergasts me.
I 1, know that my God knows my intentions and loves me and is proud of me.
2. Through all of this nonsense, the one person who has literally been by my side through it all, and dealt with it perfectly, is Koda.
I have Unfriended/blocked people but it continues.
If you have the audacity to put in your two words when you have no clue what my situation is (what I have said isn't even half of it) then you can leave.
I do not want to throw my family under the bus, or anyone who has been in my life under, but for those of you who have communication with my family, I hope you remember there are two sides to every story and that there was more hurt from them than helpfulness and love and support. It eventually led to disownment yet they continue to tell people they are "trying to help." They taught me what conditional love is and for that I'm grateful because now I know what unconditional love really is.
This is not a pitty post or asking for anything or to throw people under the bus. I am just tired of the lack of respect and knowledge from people. I know dealing with an addict is hard, but telling them you'll be there for them and love them if they do what you say is not okay. There is so much more to situations than meats the eye and that must not be forgotten. I am going to attend AA and I have amazing friends and a boyfriend who is there to help me.
I am strong and although I am in a shitty position and have not very many people truely supporting me, I'm seriously grateful for the ones who have stood by me and unconditionally loved and supported me. I'm especially grateful for my Koda, and everything he has done for me. He has been there for me for yearsss, and tho we have both messed up lots, I wouldnt have made it this far without him. He makes me want to be better and his strength gives me strength. He is my other half, and is the one person I know loves me UNCONDITIONALLY and who I trust fully.
Again not a pitty post, I'm just asking for the bullshit messages to stop. I am strong and I will conquer this, your ways are not my ways, and that is okay.
I'll prove everyone that I can do it. And if I can, you can.
I love you all.
